After almost two months of a Lenten break from social media, I’m finding myself hesitant to return.
It began as a quiet invitation to pull back, to rest from the comparison that often slips unnoticed into my sporadic scrolling. I needed time to practice being present in my actual life, instead of wishing I could shape my life to look more like someone else’s.
It always catches me off guard, the comparison. I never start out looking for it–I’m usually scanning with honest curiosity about what others want to share–but it sidles up quietly while I’m not paying attention.
I innocently click the website link in her bio, hoping to get some ideas for how to organize the site I’m rebuilding for my own slowly growing business. She looks so beautiful in every photo, and even her outfits coordinate perfectly with the colors on each page. Everything about the web design, from fonts to content, seems more polished, more professional, more put together than mine.
Comparison sneaks in like a thief, stealing my confidence with just one sideways glance.
I force myself to put down my phone after noticing a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. My search for inspiration has backfired. Suddenly my energy and passion for helping women discover hope and purpose have been replaced with an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and insecurity.
The more I look at her and what she’s doing, the more I forget who I am and what I’m made for.
I know her and I love her, and I’m so proud of the work my friend is doing, impacting women in a way I long to do in my own space.
Except, I’m not her.
I’ll never be able to create an online presence like hers. I’m not polished or professional-looking or fancy. I can’t get my hair to look cute, I never learned how to do real makeup, and I need help from friends to know when the front tuck is appropriate with an outfit.
It starts with her appearance, but then it goes deeper. Who am I to think I have anything to offer?
As I focus my attention on what others are doing, I slowly forget who I am made to be.
Maybe for you it’s not how someone else sets up their website. It might be the fun activities other moms seem to do with their kids. (How do they have the energy?) Or the remodel they are doing on their house. (I wish I could afford that.) Or the perfectly posed engagement photos. (Yeah, some romance would be nice…) Or the vacation, the new job, the fill-in-the blank you wish you could have.
I know it’s unreasonable to compare my messy, mundane, imperfect-but-real life with glimpses of another person’s highlight reel–but I still do it. And it eats away at my soul, one subtle nibble at a time.
As I focus my attention on what others are doing, I slowly forget who I am made to be. I unconsciously start to believe I need to be more like those I admire and less like my authentic self.
Comparison exposes the cracks in my own sense of identity. It surfaces my fear that who I am as I am isn’t enough–I need to be more, do more, bring more to be more valued, respected, wanted.
Comparison is a liar. It’s the voice whispering in my ear, “You’re not as smart as her, beautiful as her, creative as her. You don’t have anything to offer that anyone wants. You are unnecessary.”
Comparison steals my confidence, my contentment, my courage to live authentically in my own skin.
Admiration quickly turns to jealousy, insecurity, or judgement in an effort to protect myself from the pain of not measuring up. Instead of applauding the successes of those I respect, I secretly look for flaws in their image, searching for evidence they are actually still human.
When I compare myself to other women doing their thing on the internet, I almost always come away feeling inferior. (Although sometimes I’ll feel a yucky sort of superiority, which is just as destructive.)
Instead of trusting the slow unfurling of my next right step, I believe the lie that I’m falling behind or somehow missing my one chance to fulfill my purpose.
Instead of seizing the opportunities to invest in the people right in front of me, I start to resent this season’s limitations and wish for a role that feels more glamorous and exciting.
Comparison never helps me embrace the actual life I’m living. It never helps me become a truer version of myself.
Comparison steals my joy in celebrating others’ strength,
my peace as I wait to discern my next right step,
my belief in the unique beauty I bring to the world,
my ability to learn from those ahead, beside and behind me.
The internet is not the only place I’m prone to compare myself to others, to be sure. But giving up social media over the past several weeks has given me space to pay attention to how I’m made, what brings me life, what my soul needs in this moment.
As I re-engage online (because writers need a place to share their words), I’m mindful of my need to set limits not just on my behavior, but on my internal experience. When comparison is triggered, I pray for the grace to set down my phone out of gratitude for the real life right in front of me.
Remember this: you are right where you need to be right now. May you find the courage to fully engage with the life you’re living, no matter what today holds.
To help, I’m trying to ask myself one or more of these questions when comparison starts to surface–feel free to use them too, if they seem helpful:
What things are good for others but maybe not good for me in this current season?
What areas of my present life are just as I need them to be right now?
What is surfacing inside me that needs some attention and care today?
LOVE!